what is the most effective way to respond to a bully?

"What to say to a bully" is a topic many students, educators, and parents search for. And 31 school-bullying-prevention divergence makers have insight that can help.

Lots of people struggle with the question of "what to say to a bully." Then nosotros asked 31 thought leaders in bullying prevention this question:

You witness a kid engaging in bullying behavior. You have an opportunity to say one sentence to them. What is information technology?

Here are their answers. You lot'll detect many ideas, lots of consensus, and some differences. Mutual themes include explicitly saying "STOP!", questioning the behavior, sparking empathy, and offering assist.

Continue in heed that guiding positive behavior alter in most circumstances is, of grade, a process. As you know, there's rarely a quick fix or a ane-size-fits-all approach for anything.

That said, we hope the following statements and insights will help you through the process of reducing bullying.

How to respond to bullying: 31 expert ideas

SAY "STOP!" 🛑

8 experts said to say "Finish!" but and directly.

"Stop doing this — no i deserves to be treated this way!"
— Ross Ellis, Founder, Stomp Out Bullying | Heed to Ross'southward insight

Ross adds:

I word would be an administrative "Finish."

Ane judgement: "Stop doing this — no i deserves to be treated this way!"

They should then take the arm of the victim and atomic number 82 them abroad, fifty-fifty if the bully is still talking.

"Stop. Nosotros need to talk."
— Jim Dillon, Founder, The Center for Leadership and Bullying Prevention

Jim adds:

I want to immediately stop someone from existence injure, and I would need to inform the person who was doing it that there would be followup.

Beyond establishing those two things, what I would say and practice adjacent depends a lot upon several things: the type/severity of the bullying, my relationship with the student who is bullying, and the situation/environment in which it is happening.

In many cases after I made sure the bullying stopped, I might make up one's mind that the educatee who was bullied might need more immediate attending than the student who was bullying. I would have to assess my resources at the moment since bullying takes place when many other things are happening that often cannot be put on hold; i.east., I would need to come across what other adults were around to help me address the problem.

"Finish, yous have no idea what your deportment can cause someone else to exercise and the cost for finding out is more than than you or anyone should ever have to pay."
— Kirk Smalley, Founder, Stand for the Silent

"Stop! You lot're hurting him/her!"
— Nib Belsey, President and Founder of bullying.org

Bill adds:

Bullying is emotional. Aggressors and victims of bullying literally aren't thinking rationally. Bullies use others to constitute the power and command they want.

Most bullying happens when peers are together, almost 90% of the fourth dimension, but most bullying volition stop in less than x seconds when peers arbitrate to befriend those being bullied.

This means that those who witness bullying have the power to terminate it and cannot continue to give bullies power by existence silent bystanders. Speaking loudly calls attending to a bullying problem and can help forbid information technology from getting worse.

What should bystanders say to the smashing? "Stop! You're hurting him/her!" They should not face up the not bad farther; they should befriend the victim and walk away. This tin be very difficult to do on your ain. Effort to have at to the lowest degree one or two friends with you for support.

"I need y'all to stop treating X that way. It's hurtful and completely inappropriate."
— Marc Brackett, Ph.D., Managing director, Yale Centre for Emotional Intelligence | Mind to Marc's insight

"Stop and think virtually what you're saying."
— Sue Scheff, Founder, Parents' Universal Resource Experts (P.U.R.E.) | Heed to Sue's insight

Sue adds:

I would immediately attempt to de-escalate the situation. Depending on the age of the children and the circumstances, I would ask them to consider how they would feel if someone was treating them the way they were treating the victim. I am someone that believes there is a learning feel in all situations — and hopefully the bully and the victim tin walk away shaking hands.

"Terminate that. You are bothering and offending me when you behave that fashion, and we don't exercise that hither. I know y'all can behave better than that."
— Elizabeth Englander, Founder, Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center

"Alibi me, information technology's not OK to make fun of another person (or whisper behind their dorsum or exclude someone). That's non how we treat people at this schoolhouse. Please finish."
— Michele Borba, Author, micheleborba.com

Michele adds:

Start past addressing the behavior — what you lot see — and then emphasize the damage it causes the whole school climate — not just the child. You can become into more than specifics later. The start is a calm, direct message that addresses a clearly inappropriate, hurtful behavior.

Explicitly saying "Stop" is clear, direct, and simple. The word can be pivotal to apply as an adult, and as you saw in Ross Ellis's response in a higher place, STOMP Out Bullying recommends it for kids too — in situations where they feel safety and comfortable using information technology. Here's their whole tip sheet on Bullying and What Y'all Tin can Practise Almost It. The Anti-Defamation League also has a groovy resource for kids chosen 10 Ways to Respond to Bullying [PDF].

Ask "WHY?"

Two experts said they'd say just one word, request just 1 question.

This behavior-questioning approach reminds me of something we teach here at CPI — which is viewing non the person as a problem, but their behavior as what requires change.

"Why?"
— Pernille Ripp, Founder, Global Read Aloud

Pernille adds:

There is always a story; in that location is e'er a reason, and it is our task to get to the bottom of it and to help the bully stop and the victim heal.

"​Why?"
— Dr. Justin Patchin, Co-Director, Cyberbullying Research Center

Justin adds:

I don't know if I would say anything to the kid doing the bullying. I would more likely become upward to the child who was being targeted and remove him from the situation and make certain he knew I was a resource for him. If annihilation, the ane sentence I would say to the kid engaging in the bullying behaviors might be boiled down to i give-and-take: "Why?" Of course this is my thirty-something cocky responding. It is quite different for teens who are put in this situation.

"Why?" is a great place to get-go — because behavior is a form of communication. It's up to united states as adults to listen to bullying behaviors and get to the root of what the educatee who's doing the bullying is actually trying to say.

No question — a kid who's bullying might outwardly say, "You're stupid, you're ugly, yous're worthless," but what's underneath that is where the solution lies. That is, the roots of a behavior tin help y'all predict its path, arbitrate effectively, and prevent future bullying.

It's also important to remember that bullying is a learned behavior. If yous piece of work with hurt people, you know how common information technology is that people who injure others have been hurt themselves, sometimes horrifically so. Again, information technology'south near looking to the roots equally the fundamental place to promote salubrious growth and positive change.

SPARK EMPATHY

Eight experts said they'd urge a kid who'south bullying to put themselves in the recipients' shoes. And of grade there's all kinds of prove that social and emotional learning (SEL) — including good for you empathy — is a key to increasing the quality of relationships and decreasing problem behavior.

"Imagine if someone just said (or did) exactly what you merely did to someone you really love and care about."
— Raychelle Lohmann, Writer, The Bullying Workbook for Teens

"What you're doing is hurting someone, only I understand you're struggling also."
— Deborah Temkin, Child Development Scientist | Mind to Deborah'due south insight

Deborah adds:

1 of the things we have to recognize is that bullying does not happen in isolation. Kids bully for many reasons, whether every bit a response to trauma or stress in their lives, or as a style to proceeds popularity and condition based on the norms at their school. They may not even realize what they are doing is really pain someone else.

It's often not as unproblematic as telling a child who is bullying not to do it. We accept to give them the tools to address the reasons why they're bullying and change the climates that reinforce the beliefs.

"How would you lot feel if someone did this to you and what will you do to make things right?"
— Nancy Willard, Founder, Encompass Civility in the Digital Age

"You never know what somebody might be going through; they could be existence abused at dwelling house or going through a death in the family unit, and your actions and words could exist the thing to push them over the edge. It's not worth it."
— Tyler Gregory & Scott Hannah, National Spokespersons, Bang-up American No Bull Claiming

"Do yous realize that your beliefs is not nice? Have you lot stopped to recollect how your beliefs is affecting her/him? How do you think y'all would feel if another kid did that to you?"
— Dr. Dorothy Espelage, Bully Adept | Listen to Dorothy'south insight

"If someone did that to you, what would yous say to them?"
— Joey Katona, Civilization of Empathy Builder, startempathy.org

"Y'all never know a person'south struggle, so treat people with kindness; your cruel deportment could send them over the border."
— Unkle Adams, Motivational Rapper

"Would you lot like it if this was happening to your younger blood brother?"
— Alexandra Penn, Founder, Champions Confronting Bullying

Alexandra adds:

Bold the target is smaller than the bully, I would get between the two of them and ensure that nobody is injure. Then, I would suggest the bully imagine how he would feel if he saw this happening to his younger brother. Would he like information technology? What would he do?

I would schedule split follow-upwardly meetings with the target and the bully and a third coming together that has the bully apologizing to the target. I would also inform both sets of parents, separately. I would then check in with the target in a couple of weeks to confirm that he is safe.

Photo: pixelheadphoto digitalskillet / Shutterstock

For more than about the office of empathy, check out Bullying in School by Dr. Terry Ehiorobo, a school primary and education professor.

Dr. Ehiorobo points out that cogitating interviews help kids who bully call back well-nigh how their deportment impact their victims. He first meets lonely with the student who'south doing the bullying and asks them to reflect on their beliefs. He then has them run across in his part with the pupil they've bullied.

"Making things right with the victim lessens the not bad's sense of power and control over the victim," Dr. Ehiorobo writes. "This procedure likewise allows me to empower the victim and provide him with new tools of confidence and exclamation."

By the way, are you an empathic educator? Take the quiz!

SAY THAT THE BEHAVIOR IS Not RIGHT, OK, OR Allowed

Four thought leaders said they'd tell a student clearly that bullying is not OK.

"No more than, non here, never."
— Barbara Coloroso, Founder, Kids Are Worth It

Barbara adds:

If I saw a kid being mean, I would approach them and say in a very business firm voice, "No more, non here, never. That was hateful; that was cruel. This playground (omnibus, hallway, classroom) is a safe harbor for every child."

That's the beginning of stopping the behavior, then the follow-up is to hold those doing the acts accountable, and to clinch the child who was targeted that I am here for them, and I care, and I will help them avert succumbing to the bullying.

"Nosotros don't do that here."
— Susan Swearer, Director, Empowerment Initiative

Susan adds:

This line came from a group of kids who were telling me about a boy who was bullying them on the playground and then he learned to cease bullying.

I asked, "Why exercise yous think he stopped?" The kids told me that they said to him: "We don't do that here."

"Hey homo, you don't have to care for people similar that. That ain't right."
— Travis Chocolate-brown, Founder, Mojo Upward Anti-Bullying Program

Travis adds:

I always like to keep it real simple. And I would say something similar, "Hey man, that'south not absurd." Or, "Hey human being, you don't have to treat people similar that. That ain't right." Something uncomplicated that is even less confrontational.

But I likewise teach the three things that students tin do:

Number ane is yous can step in. If you're comfortable, you tin can step in, and you personally can say something to that person that'due south the bang-up.

Second thing is yous tin accomplish out. That means reach out to the person who's being bullied, attacked, or talked nearly and simply permit them know that you're a friend, you're at that place for them, and y'all can exist there for them long-term.

The 3rd thing is to get assist, and that means reach out to a principal, counselor, teacher, or coach and let them know what'southward happening so they tin intervene in the situation.

And so pretty simple means to really make an impact, brand a difference. All you gotta do is Mojo Up, because y'all brand a departure.

"It's not okay to say that to someone in my classroom. Are we clear?"
— Signe Whitson, Author, 8 Keys To Cease Bullying: Strategies for Parents & Schools | Listen to Signe's insight

Signe adds:

Many adults struggle with finding the "right" words to say to a immature person engaged in bullying behavior. Truthfully, the well-nigh effective messages are the ones delivered in under 15 seconds, such as:

• "It'south not okay to say that to someone in my classroom. Are we clear?"
• "Sending that kind of text is unacceptable. Are we good?"
• "Leaving one kid out of the group is not going to work. Permit's fix this and move on."

Cursory messages accept the distinct reward of sending a articulate message to the child who is bullying that their beliefs will non be tolerated while, at the same fourth dimension, definitively signaling to a vulnerable child that they're safety and take the bankroll of a trustworthy adult. Moreover, brief statements don't humiliate anyone merely practice let anybody know that the adult is attuned to social dynamics and not agape to step in to bring an end to bullying.

Photograph: DGLimages / Shutterstock

It'due south important to ensure that the kid who's doing the bullying knows which behaviors are wrong, why they're incorrect, and what the consequences are. Setting clear expectations and limits helps kids who cracking acquire to brand better choices most how they treat others — and it helps kids who are being bullied feel safer.

This resources from EduRef.org encourages adults to teach kids what types of behavior are OK and what "a safe school surround" truly means.

TELL THE PERSON THAT YOU Want TO TALK

3 experts said they'd start a conversation virtually stopping cruel behavior.

"We demand to talk."
— Julie Hertzog, Director, Pacer's National Bullying Prevention Heart | Listen to Julie'south insight

Julie adds:

It is so of import that y'all do say something to those involved in the behavior, that you lot do have action. To not address it, to non say that one judgement, your silence sends the articulate message to the person bullying that their beliefs is acceptable and inside the norms. To the person beingness bullied, your silence implies that they are not safe in that environment. If we as adults don't enforce and encourage the social norms, who volition?

And what should that one judgement be? It can be as simple as "we need to talk." That manner, depending on the immediacy of the situation, you lot tin accost it right then, talking with each of those involved independently or later. It is important that those involved have the opportunity to share their story. As well important is to not brand assumptions. Beliefs is complicated, especially when it comes to ambitious acts, and in that location can frequently exist more to the story than what lies on the surface.

"I'd like to talk to you lot, may I?"
— Emily-Anne Rigal, Author, Flawd: How to Stop Hating on Yourself, Others, and the Things That Make You Who You Are

Emily adds:

One-on-1 with someone is where it's possible to make a real difference. In a firm however not-shaming style I'd ask what's going on with them.

And then I'd be prepared to actually heed. Because people who not bad are people, too — hurt people, and "hurt people injure people."

Hurt people who seek to hurt others need to know there are other means to manage their injure.

"Tell me, please, what'south making yous so aroused that you want to become back at him/her?"
— Annie Trick, Founder, Vicious'due south Not Cool! | Listen to Annie'due south insight

Annie adds:

Past giving kids (and adults) opportunities to limited their destructive emotions (anger, injure, jealousy, rejection, fear, frustration) to people who are actually listening, we assistance them get back in control of their emotions while helping them call back more conspicuously virtually their options for getting their needs met.

It's crucial that kids accept adults who they feel comfortable talking to, and that our responses are helpful and respectful — fifty-fifty when the bullying itself is definitely not respectful. That'south the essence of Rational Detachment and the Integrated Experience: My attitudes and behaviors affect yours, and vice versa. And I can't control your behavior, but I can control how I respond to your behavior.

Taking the fourth dimension to actually heed will assistance you better understand where the kid is coming from. And by modeling respect yourself, you accept the power to help them starting time showing respect too.

It's besides important that your schoolhouse policy — or your child's schoolhouse'due south policy — exist clear about communication, definitions, reporting, and expectations. Hither's one district's policy on bullying [PDF] that could help if it's time to refine your own. (And if y'all already accept a skilful one, please share in the comments your process, expertise, or achievements! 🙌🏽)

ACKNOWLEDGE WHAT THE PERSON IS TRYING TO ACHIEVE

Two bullying prevention advocates said they'd tell a kid who'due south bullying that they recognize what the kid is trying to do, experience, or accomplish.

"I know bullying that daughter gives you lot this 'high' and makes you feel all-mighty and powerful. But the truth is, a few years from now when y'all grow up, have kids of your own, and await back on what you lot've just done, I hope you won't feel all-mighty or powerful; you lot will but look in the mirror and feel distressing."
— Tyler Stricker, Founder, High Schoolhouse Fat Donkey

"Your abuse of others does non make you better."
— Anna Bucy, Anti-Bullying Abet, annabucy.com

This very head-on approach reminds me of Grabbing a Bully by the Horns by Dr. Kathleen Briseno. In the article, Dr. Briseno emphasizes that there'due south a reason why someone bullies.

To get to the root of the beliefs, she recommends asking yourself these questions:

• What's going on in their life that makes them plough to bullying?
• What do they have to gain?
• What do they take to lose?

Offering HELP

Three experts (two of whom were bullied equally kids themselves) said they'd offer the person who's doing the bullying some much-needed aid. All three suggested or outright said that they wouldn't requite upwards on the person, and 1 said she'd aid the person channel their power into positive outlets.

It'south common for people who are vehement to accept learned somewhere forth the way that power is finite, and that if they don't exert power over others, they will be overpowered themselves. This is of course connected to the "hurt people hurt people" reality that Emily-Anne Rigal shared to a higher place.

Teaching past case that "power given is power gained" is, well, a powerful way to empower people to replace problem behavior with positive beliefs.

"You lot don't need to exist this kind of person. You lot have the power to make the earth better, so let's figure out how you're going to use that power."
— Emily Lindin, Founder, The Unslut Projection

"Y'all wanted attention and now you take mine. Bullying him will non save the hurt y'all're feeling. But I tin certainly aid."
— Fabianna Pergolizzi, President and Founder, Projection Anti-Bully

Fabianna adds:

When I was a high school senior and Project Anti-Great was in its preliminary steps, I witnessed a freshman boy being shoved into a locker by another taller freshman boy. There was a grouping of students watching this happen and doing absolutely nothing to help the young educatee. I walked correct up to the freshman swell and said, "Yous wanted attending and now you take mine. Bullying him will not salve the hurt yous're feeling. But I can certainly aid."

Shocked, he let go of the other student and was rendered speechless.

This cracking's name is Tom. Tom is 1 of my main spokespersons for Projection Anti-Bully. He tells students around the world that nosotros must raise awareness of the emotional experiences the bully feels as well. For him, bullying was a main form of release for his emotional distress. Both boys became great friends and were roommates throughout all of college.

"Though I cannot assure you that I tin fix this immediately or completely, I will not give up on helping you lot if you practice non surrender on me while I attempt to aid you."
— Michael Dorn, Author, Weakfish: Bullying Through the Optics of a Child | Listen to Michael's insight

"I volition not give up on helping yous" is a crucial bulletin to send someone who'southward on the receiving cease of bullying. It'south besides a helpful matter to say to someone who's doing the bullying. Because, as Signe Whitson said in her interview on Unrestrained, "young people deserve to be taught better ways to conduct. And so we're really doing kids a service."

Don't miss a goldmine of more resources

Also in our School Bullying Prevention projection, 2 experts we interviewed together said in that location's no style they could limit their What-to-Say-to-Someone-Who'due south-Bullying response to just one judgement. To see what Wendy Craig and Debra Pepler of Prevnet (Promoting Relationships & Eliminating Violence Network) had to say, bank check out their contour.

You'll find all 31 respondents on that page — plus details well-nigh each expert'due south volume, website, project, org, or research — likewise equally loads of resource to assist you stop bullying and protect growing hearts and minds.

And please share in the comments below — what would you say to start the chat about stopping bullying?

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Source: https://www.crisisprevention.com/Blog/What-to-Say-to-a-Bully

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